How do I go on?
Do I really want to go on? Why should I go on? It's only been 25 days, 17 hours, 32 minutes, 16 seconds ..... tick, tick, tick
My world stopped on March 10th, 2011 at 5:59 PM EST when my daughter, Ginny Buckner - "il canto donna", (the Singing Woman - more on that later), stopped singing.
Okay, first some background. For those who don't know why I am even starting this blog, these links will help you get up to speed. For those who do know the story, feel free to refresh your memory.
It is said a parent's death signifies the death of the past, but when a child dies, it is the death of the future. That is what I feel - deeply. The death of the future. What future? How can you have a future when everything you do and plan for revolves around something (or, someone, in my case) that no longer exists? What will the future be? Do I really care at this point? I do, but it hurts too much to think about it. There's just that same old tired cliche, "take it one day at a time". And that is what I do.
Since that day, much has happened. There was the shock, the numbness, the tears, the hugs, the funeral, the eulogies, the words of comfort from friends and family, the food, the dinners out with friends, the talking, the talking, more talking ..... (long pause).
The first question is why a blog? In past years, I have often been encouraged by Ginny, Meredith and other family members that I should write or start a blog. When I would often scream at the television (or start giving an air lecture, as Ginny would call it), she would suggest that blogging would provide an ideal channel to get what I had to say out there and cut though the kultursmog, a phrase coined by one of my favorite essayists, Bob Tyrrell. But what do I write about - sports, politics, business, faith? The subjects are numerous and endless. But everybody blogs about those subjects. Yes, you might say, but no one blogs about it from your personal perspective Mike, and that's what makes it unique and interesting.
The truth is that, while I was always passionate about whatever I believed in, I was never passionate about or committed to, any particular subject on a consistent basis long enough to write about it - except maybe for "il canto donna ". As long as she sang, I didn't need to write about it. She could do that, and she did it well. But "il canto donna" no longer sings, at least not here on this earth.
Among the many comments, notes and words of compassion I have read since Ginny's death, one sticks out in my mind. I don't remember exactly what was said, or who said it, but this person made the comment that while many young people have dreams and passion to pursue what they love to do, few have the determination and dedication, in the face of adversity, to remain steadfast in their commitment to their dream. Ginny had the commitment and she had the passion and she was determined to make her dreams come true, in some way or another. Ginny's passion and commitment is what I draw upon and that is why I have started this blog.
Come faccio ad andare avanti? Maybe I am not ready to go on. Maybe writing this blog will help me go on. Maybe.....
