It's been seven weeks now since Ginny departed our world. After laying my heart out in my first blog post, I went empty. Nothing. There have been many sad moments and many tears, sometimes coming when I least expect it. There are days where I am doing okay and Meredith grieves, and then I struggle while she has a good day. I am told this is to be expected and I am also told there is no timetable and formula for how often you grieve or when you grieve. The relationship with Braden has deepened as we share the pain of our loss. Holding on to each other gives us a little bit of Ginny to hold on to. We participated in the Relay for Life and we raised money for the fight against cancer. We started the Ginny Buckner Memorial Fund at Durham Academy and have received many generous donations. In the Kubler-Ross model, this would probably be evidence of the third stage of grief - bargaining.
- "If we can't have Ginny, at least we can have something good come out of something bad."
I returned from a gathering tonight where Anne Graham Lotts spoke. She read from the 1st chapter of the Book of Revelation. John the Apostle wrote this book on the Isle of Patmos around 95 A.D. Think of that. Jesus had died and resurrected over sixty years previous and here John, the beloved disciple was now exiled and alone. A lifetime of proclaiming the Gospel and now, nothing. Empty and alone? Yes it could have been, but God had something else in mind. It was on this island that Jesus revealed himself to John and John wrote what he saw. Because of that revelation, we believers receive the benefit and God receives the glory. Anne posed the question to each of us, "What is your Patmos?" And will your Patmos leave you alone and empty, or will it glorify God?
I believe I know what my Patmos is, but the question is how do I let God be glorified amidst the pain I endure? As Meredith and I discussed the evening on our return home, she wondered aloud if our purpose in all this might be used in some sort of ministry and what our ministry might be. I replied that our ministry might be that we simply share, when the opportunity presents itself, how the grace of Christ is sufficient for us and that though we are weak, He is strong in us. If we can share that, than God alone is glorified.
When John was on Patmos, he saw and he wrote. I am on Patmos. I am certainly no John, but what I see and what I feel, I will write.
